alone

Turn to me and have mercy, for I am alone and in deep distress.*

Moving country has put into focus friendship and traveling alone on and off in the past few months has allowed me to reflect on solitude. I used to find the idea unbearable but am slowly learning to appreciate it. This has come, I think, with a change in how I see solitude. I used to associate being by myself with loneliness. It can be that, but that is not everything.

Being in a foreign country, without the long term connections, there were days that I had little to do with people. Sometimes it was just what I wanted; time to sit and do craft, or go for a walk along the river. Other days I wished I could call up a friend -despite them being on the other side of the world!- and catch up; the silence was deafening, the activities dull.

Being back home, and trying to catch up with friends has been wonderful. Time apart can sometimes damage or change a friendship, and other times one picks up where the friendship was left off. The challenge is how to cope with change and the moments when all is uncertain, when friends are no longer around, or are busy with other things. How do I cope with being alone? What do I do? Who do I turn to?

I have a problem with clingy-ness. If I find a friend I attach myself pretty close to them, and then when all goes pear-shaped, I find it really tricky, and to cope, I seek out my next friend (and "victim") to attach myself to. This is an unhealthy way of dealing with loneliness. And I am ever learning to notice that in myself and ensure it doesn't overpower me. I am learning to seek God and his presence when everyone else seems far away.

'I would soon have settled in silence of the grave. 

I cried out, "I am slipping!" But your unfailing love, O LORD, supported me. 

When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.'**

Loneliness is awful. The "silence of the grave" is overpowering. This can happen even when we're in a crowded room. When we feel ignored or misunderstood, like people aren't seeing or caring about the "real" you. On days like that I turn to God's unfailing love, 'All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings'***. He cares and knows, He loves and supports, He gives and understands.

God understands the need to be alone. Which is not loneliness. I have come to appreciate spending time alone with God, and spending time reflecting on my own life and thoughts. Sitting near nature and seeing the beauty, thinking through issues, planning my day or life. Taking all those things to God in prayer. Jesus did it too, while he was on earth. He found quiet places on mountainsides to pray, and made sure to find places of solitude and rest for himself and his friends.

God hears our distress, He knows what it means to be abandoned by friends, and have no one to support us. He knows what it is like to be rejected, and misrepresented. He knows what it's like to have no one to turn to. He knows, because He -Jesus, the Nazarene- went through it as he was rejected by His friends and left to die on the cross. Apparently even forgotten by His Heavenly Father! But three days later, He was raised to life, God hadn't abandoned Him, but allowed Him to suffer something on our behalf. And in that knowing and experiencing, God is able to reach out and into our lives.

God does provide friends, maybe not as quickly as we hope, maybe not the people we expect, but He does. He has. And the best friend he can give, like I said the other day, is himself!

"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."****

Lord God, under the shadow of Your wings, let us hope. Your love supports us when there is no one - no one to share a word, or an embrace, or a smile. Bless all who suffer from such loneliness. Enrich their lives with a friend or a stranger who will spend a moment caring. In those moments Your love shines through, the world is reborn, and Christ is know. Amen.*****

*Psalm 25:16
**Psalm 94:17-19
***Psalm 36:7
****Matthew 28:20
*****An Anglican Compendium of Thoughts and Prayers, "Loneliness Comes In Many Flavours"